On a night I planned to flee

No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I fool myself, I seem to be incapable of coming to You without being a mercenary. 

Even when I grasp the wonderful Truth and see its blinding and magnificent glory, it flees me like a lightning and eludes me. Even as I realise that You are good and the only thing I’ve been searching for my whole life, yet, I often feel an urge to run from You. This is the same kind of mystery as when Peter, your servant asked You to depart from him. I simply cannot love You the way You deserve and the way I ought  to.

No amount of willpower, intellect, or labouring can save a soul. It is truly by grace and only by grace we are saved. 

Oh, the impossibility of accepting what we do not deserve. Only by your grace will I be able to finally accept the grace which I never deserved. And that great Love, will in the end, make me just as You were on that tree; obedient to death, without a trace of self-interest. Because You were pierced, I am healed. Because You died, I live.