Day 9

1

You are just a really wonderful person who often gets caught up in existential loneliness. You think that it’s a flaw, but it’s not your fault that it happens to you. It just happens, and that is just a fact. You enjoy observing people, though; sometimes, it’s not a voluntary choice. You notice small things about people, the way people speak, and how that relates to their thinking styles; you notice people’s haircuts, shoes, and facial expressions and think about what they might mean. You often ponder about what kind of childhood a person might have had. Even a stranger on the street is not a stranger in your mind. When you try new things, like cooking a dish for the first time, I can tell from your smile that you feel so playful and happy. But I also know you to be an idealist, and a great deal of your pain comes from the gap between your ideals and the reality of things. You probably won’t agree but I think that gap is negligible and insignificant if you look at it from my perspective. You are already doing so much. Yes you still have a long journey ahead of you it seems, at least according to what you say, but you have also come very far. I think you are wonderful. I think you should stop running away from painful emotions, because your ability or the misfortune of being able to feel so intensely is also what gives you immense joy that some people yearn to experience. Didn’t you say once that you’d rather feel the pain than rob yourself of joy and pain altogether? Didn’t you say that you find your sensitivity to be a blessing and a curse? I think you are absolutely right. You are just a wonderful person who often feels intense pain but also finds the deepest joy in the smallest of things. I won’t rush you. I won’t push you away to the side. I will just be next to you, quiet and observant of you, just as you are of everything around you. I will just be with you. 

2

Friends are better because you get to keep them for longer. I always talk of an optimal distance at which each person is the most pleasurable to be around. The optimal distance varies between each relationship. One person might grant another an intimate distance, while another person can find the same person insufferable and find the need to keep them far away. That’s just how personal dynamics work. So fascinating. 

3

I long for belonging, but every time one is provided, I hate it and long to escape. My middle name is Irony!