Day 1: So many mixed feelings, is this life?

Alright. I’m embarking on a writing challenge for 30 days, inspired by my dear friend S. As someone who writes (as some one who writes? am I even ‘someone who writes’? uh I don’t think so..) in bursts of energy, spontaneously, I believe this will be indeed what it is called, a challenge. But! I’m excited to see what this will bring about. I’m hoping for a better ability to write? or less resistance to begin writing? or a better relationship between me and the act of writing which often feels like sheer terror to me. Join me, chat to me, call me, share what you think, say what you think if I provoke any thoughts through my writing (Did you know there is an anonymous comment section below). I’d appreciate it. Thanks!

Writing Challenge Day 1: So many mixed feelings, is this life?

Subtitle: Everything Everywhere All At Once!! (that is me, today)

I’m all over the place today. So I’m guessing my writing will also be. I think I want to just write freely without judgement nor structure. I just want to ‘write what I want to write’ as my friend says.

Right now, I’m extrapolating what life might be, from what I am currently feeling. I truly am feeling a mixture of emotions. First off, today I sat an exam, and so now I’m on break from uni. So for that I am exhilarated. I worked so hard, these past 3 months, I felt like I never had time to rest. But now I look forward to doing that a little. I also feel a considerable amount of fear. Fear of what? you might ask. Well it’s a bit personal and probably a bit trivial and boring too so I won’t say. But, it is a real fear. A fear of uncertainty, of the future to give you a vague idea.

I feel exhilarated and fearful at the same time. What else.. I feel humble. I feel like I don’t really deserve anything so for what I have now, I am thankful. I think this humility is somehow related to my fear of uncertainty. Although there are uncertain things about my life, there also are some certain things, at least for now, in this moment. So in light of the uncertainty that lies ahead, I am thankful for the certainty I have (albeit only temporarily) in other things. I feel humbled.

I was reminded of somethings I could have done better. I could have handled some things more smoothly, more kindly, more patiently, more meticulously even. I know. Maybe I knew even when I was doing those things so clumsily. I wish I could do what I know to be good.

Anyways so back to extrapolation. I’m thinking, life is so cruel isn’t it? Because terrible things happen but as if to laugh at it, decent things, sometimes even miraculous things also happen too! and crazily often at the same time!

Can I even label life as good or bad now? Won’t the good things and the bad things that happen just negate each other and make life neither good or bad but just this thing that keeps going, keeps happening. Maybe it doesn’t matter what good or bad things happen to me while I’m here. Maybe I’m missing the point.

Life is, pizza with friends, late night desserts at a candle lit bar, the smiles of people you see on the streets, the small talk with an unknown neighbour from another floor in the elevator, a stressful unemployment, terrible illness in the family, the death of your grandparents, tears, and many more tears, joy, a bit of joy, then chores, washing, cooking, putting the rubbish out, then coffee, hot tea, sometimes outside, fresh air of early mornings, chilly mornings, autumn, noticing the changing season for the first time and then smiling a little to yourself, talking to yourself more as you grow older, stressing out about stupid things, praying, your friends praying, praying for your kith and kin, trying to eat healthier and then failing, exercising, calling your mum, saying nice things, saying mean things, regretting the things you said and the things you didn’t say… life.. life! oh the terrors and wonders of life! I love this life after all! I do. But I’m also so very scared. where do I stand? I stand in both places. I love it and I fear it. Let’s see which side wins at the end of it.

Ah there we go. I think I’m tired now. I did have a long day. I don’t know how to end this. So I will do it abruptly. Goodnight, goodnight friends, enemies, families, secret crushes, neutral acquaintances, and everyone else. Goodnight world I’m retiring from you, but I will see you again tomorrow if I’m allowed back