J’étais malade!

Part I

When I was sick, a basic need, a physical need, was unfulfilled. All the extra things, the unnecessary but good things, were out of sight. All I wanted was for my body to stop aching. At the same time, the things I had overlooked on a normal day became dearer to my heart: the tender words of consolation from friends, my mum’s soup – or rather her love for me, which is the cause of making the soup – and a general sense of care and love.

By inference, just as physical well-being is more essential than all the extra desires I had in my heart, love from friends and family must be at the same level of indispensability, considering it occurred to me at the same time as my desire for physical wellness.

This phenomenon is not new to me, and I think it is quite common among people. In times of physical ailment, you are humbled by your own fragility, and as a result, your priorities (albeit temporarily, it seems to me) are reorganised, almost by force. “Almost by force” because, being physically unwell, you dispense with all unnecessary desires on which your energy might be wasted. This is governed by a simple law of resource scarcity. Then, you realise how vain you were in the last few weeks. (I’m referring to myself if that is unclear.) Realising that you were fueled by gratuitous, fruitless desires that end in emptiness, you make a semi-vow (“a semi-vow” because by this time, you know how almost certain you are to fall back to your old ways) not to deploy those kinds of tactics.

Being sick clarifies the boundaries between your needs and your wants. But this is an ephemeral phenomenon because as your body regains health and vitality, so do the fruitless yet voracious desires.

---

Part II

Then, by some unfathomable grace, my blindfolds loosen, and I begin to see again. That is this: The requirement that I dreaded is, in fact, my ideal. It is the object of my eternal conquest, my deepest longing, the ‘thing’ that I need and want.

So, I realise all those wasted serenades should have been dedicated to You. All that misdirected worship should have been offered to You.

What You say in your Book is true. It was what I was afraid might be true. But I am not going to be afraid of that anymore. It will have to be ‘everything’ and ‘everywhere.’ All things, for You.

Oh, I can feel the weight. Even just saying this is quite heavy. But I’m not afraid of the burden because I know I can carry it, not on my own account, but on Your account.

Teach me then how to do everything again. Little things, big things, mediocre things, tedious things, enthralling things, exciting things, difficult things, and everything else. It’s like being “born again,” learning how to walk all over again.

This is what you meant. I wonder what other meanings I will discover. Lots of help, lots of falling over, and even more grace to counter my failures will follow. Life. Life. Full and abundant. I shall never thirst again. I will be fulfilled forever and ever, nourished from the Fountain of Life.