Day 7: Fear of being a pseudo intellectual

Well I have one. It’s nagging me. I don’t want to be a pseudo intellectual. But that path of being a true intellectual is daunting. Don’t you have to be an academic? devote your entire life to research, find truth, test them, prove them. Lonely path it seems to me. I don’t want to be parroting whatever is in trend. Can one even be original? Isn’t what we do and say a mere echoing of the accumulation of preexistent ancient wisdoms and discoveries? Just like how energy cannot be created nor destroyed, maybe we only rearrange things, not truly create anything. But then I think it also means being an artist of some sort. Being an artist means to create. Create something into existence or present an existing thing in a brand new way, in a different form. So what am I even saying? Create or create not? I don’t know.

I don’t know what being an intellectual means. I think I know what it doesn’t mean. Insincerity is not intellectual. Pretense is not intellectual. So truth seeking and truth speaking is intellectual? Oh I don’t know. It was hard enough to get this fear written down. The fear is not very clear to me at the moment. I know it’s there but I don’t know where it comes from nor what part of being a pseudo intellectual makes it undesriable. I don’t know.

Feels like there is a lot I don’t know today. I don’t know, and I can’t control it. I wish I could but I can’t. I don’t know how, I don’t know when, I don’t know if.